I have decided that, due to my body's inability to adjust to a new sleep/wake routine, and to the fact that my brain is refusing YET again to cooperate with my perfectly reasonable quest to achieve something worthwhile, and because I am tired of doing research so I can write stuff of consequence, today I am going to vent. And my wrath is an UGLY thing, so be afraid--be very afraid. 

Also, I am aware that proper journalism etiquette dictates that at the end of my self-pity party, I should then include some sort of happy ending, a sappy tribute to truth, optimism and the American Way. That sort of pollyanna-esque crap is very useful at times, and I buy into it too--very frequently--because basically at heart I am a sap. Of the worst magnitude. Capable of drivel WAY worse than anything Mr. Rogers or Barney the Dinosaur could concoct in their wildest, most far-out imaginations. (Although I find the prospect of Barney possessing even a hint of an imagination to be quite suspect.) 

The flip side of that coin is that I am nothing if not a study in contradictions. And therefore my dry, pessimistic take on life's daily annoyances; the TEDIUM with which we Americans must endure life; my ANGST: these are all part of the price I must pay, the weight I must drag with me to counterbalance the innate human compunction to view everything, no matter how dire, through syrupy sweet rose-colored lenses. Wow was that a long sentence or what? *Pause to catch my breath a minute.* 

OK, now that I read the above paragraph and convinced myself that its twisted contortion of letters made sense if you were willing to slog through it, I will progress further.  I have explained my rationale, whether a good, bad or stupid one, and I will get on with venting my displeasure. Consider yourself duly warned! Those who want to view life through a better lens should exit now and go read a story about a puppy somewhere who was rescued from a burning building, and leave the hardcore griping to folks like me, who don't really feel like celebrating the goodness of mankind today. For those who are easily offended, may I persuade you to find sweetness and light elsewhere, for there is none to be found here today. For those who are content to wallow in commiseration, I wish to welcome you to the cesspool of my disillusionment. Misery loves company!

DRUM ROLL PLEASE....

Gripe! THERE IS NEVER ENOUGH TIME IN A DAY TO ACCOMPLISH WHAT WE WANT. I mean, just getting my U.S. RDA (Recommended Daily Allowance) of vitamins and minerals takes a lot of effort! Who eats 5-6 servings of fruits and vegetables per day, EVERY day?! Who, in their quest for forging a meaningful life of corporate recognition, daily treadmill sessions, IRA investment planning and diaper-changing, has TIME to worry about getting enough magnesium and Vitamin K? But if you DON'T--oh the guilt! You are depriving your body of VITAL nutrients, as established by highly esteemed nutritional experts in white coats who make lots more money than you do (then probably go by a fast food joint on the way home from the lab)! So, this type of thing lingers in your mind while you eat a Mickey D's Biggie fries because you were late for your appointment (that's another thing--too many freaking appointments!) to get your teeth cleaned and didn't have time for a decent meal because you now have to pick up prescriptions and run junior to his soccer game. I mean, what about GOALS? Dreams? Things that make life worthwhile instead of like that  of a gerbil running in a spinning wheel but not going anywhere until you collapse? What about taking time to nurture the soul, and be creative, and REALLY do for your fellow man, besides shooting him the bird when he cuts you off at that busy intersection that always makes you late for work? (Note: car gripes below.) There is just not enough time to achieve the ideal of a happy, well-adjusted, successful suburban life so highly prized by our society! Or, if we DO achieve this, at what cost to our personal fulfillment do we meet society's expectations? Frustrated, anti-suburban anarchists UNITE!

Gripe! How about folks who drive in the left lane on the highway, even though they are not going any faster (and in many cases are going SLOWER) than cars in the right lane? Now, to me, this is just pure selfishness and/or stupidity. If they're NOT passing people, they should GET OUT of the passing lane. Otherwise, they surely deserve the invectives that are hurled at them from other vehicles who are more considerate in their driving habits. 

Gripe! Stores in general irritate me. If not for the pushy, nosy salespeople who follow you around when you don't want help, there is always the opposite--no help at all. Not for miles and miles when you scan the flourescently-lit horizon will you see a member of the "Friendly and Helpful Sales Personnel Staff." IF you have successfully managed to pick up an item or two and make your way to the checkout lane, no matter what time of day it is, there are NEVER enough cashiers. In the middle of rush hour, they still have empty lanes where Mr. Bigshot store owner refuses to hire additional cashiers because it cuts into his profit margin. In the middle of the night hardly anyone shops, but the entire three or four people who are in the store at the same time as you are lined up in front of the only cashier working at that hour. So even if you shop at 3am at Wally World, the you-know-who Evil Retail Empire of America, you STILL have to wait in line at the register. That's why I do most of my shopping online now. 

Gripe! Handicapped parking spaces are a GREAT idea! I firmly believe that those who are unable to walk/carry things should be allowed to have the front and center parking spaces. This just shows kindness and consideration for those who have difficulty. However, who's responsible for designating, in a 20-space parking lot, maybe 8 or more to be handicapped spaces? Do they expect someday that perhaps the local chapter of the Americans with Disabilities Association will all decide to converge on their business at the SAME TIME? So, you go to your local bookstore, or your mini-mart, or your favorite steakhouse only to find they have been SO considerate of handicapped persons that everyone else has to walk from the boonies because a disproportionate ratio of spaces has been allocated to the elderly, infirm, and the distant relatives who borrow the vehicles of, say, their great uncle, a war veteran amputee.  Another reason I shop online. 

Gripe! What's up with the tackiness prevalent everywhere nowadays? Kwik-E Mart, Kat's Kozy Kuntry Kampground, Bob's Blo-out Merchandise Warehouse, U-Stor-It and EZPawn: Assigning dumb spellings to perfectly fine words is so irritating and ridiculous. And another vexation of mine is the collective taste of society in opting for cheap, prefab, plastic and plywood and disposable goods instead of spending a little more for things of lasting quality. Gaudy truck stop (Trux-Stop?) souvenirs and ceramic figurines; fly swatters covered with lace edging; velvet Elvis portraits and convenience store refill mugs; plastic yard ornaments (some people seem to pay more for tacky yard ornaments than they do for their house itself!); fuzzy dice, gold-plated hubcaps, hot pink carpeting--the list is endless! Refinement is dying a slow, painful death, people! My apologies to anyone I may have offended. Well, not really. But you know, I felt it was my professional "journalistic duty" to include the apology. It's a pollyanna, politically correct world now, you know. 

Gripe! Who said smokers, in choosing to exercise their right to pollute their bodies and consequently the air of everyone around them, should also add insult to injury by dropping cigarette butts on the ground? I mean, if a person is capable of spending $5 a pack for cigarettes, and capable of exercising the questionable maturity of an American citizen's right to smoke, how is it that a great many can't exercise the maturity it requires to dispose of their butts in a responsible, considerate manner? Not enough trash cans around? No Rubbermaid containers conveniently located every couple of miles when they go for a drive in the country? Too much effort, perhaps, even though these are the very same individuals who will go through hell and/or high water to get to the store in rain, shine, sleet, hail or tornado so long as they don't run out of cigarettes? And kids think smokers are sophisticated. Too bad they often don't realize the truth until they are addicted, have ash tray breath, yellow and brown tooth stains and a chronic hacking cough. Now THAT'S glamorous! 

Gripe! Wow, am I getting warmed up or what? Haha. Let's see what else I can bitch and moan about... Oh, here's a good one: company phone practices. You call for a pressing problem--let's say your computer is making this weird sound, and a burning smell is emanating from its bowels and your research project is due in the morning and all your work is in jeopardy because your computer is having what appears to be a massive brain fart. So, you call up your computer tech person (or any big company) and are subjected to a vast assortment of options and a great wasting of your time. 

Here's a rundown: 

"Thank you for calling" really means: "Get lost, we're busy. That's why we put you on hold for a minimum of 45 minutes so that you'll give up and we won't have to deal with your petty problems." 

"For menu options in English, press 1. For menu options in Spanish, press 2. For menu options in Hieroglyphics, press 3. For menu options in any other language, that's just too damn bad--we don't know any other ones." Meaning: "What do you think this is, the United Nations?"

"Your call is important to us" means: "Haha! What a load of B.S.! How important could it be if we don't even bother to put a human on the phone for at least an hour? Get REAL!"

"...and may be monitored and recorded for quality assurance purposes" really means: "We are recording this so that we can all sit around the table at our doughnut break and share laughs about you poor idiot saps, and see which one of our telephone representatives had to suffer through the dumbest question of the day--all recorded on tape for continuous playbacks of the lamest conversations! The winner gets a special jelly dougnut instead of just a plain one."

"All of our representatives are currently assisting other customers" means that, aside from profit-maximizing corporate downsizing resulting in maybe 3 telephone respresentatives working at any given time, those who actually ARE there are still in the doughnut break laughing at the other customers' previously recorded conversations. 

"Please hold, and the next available representative will assist you shortly." Well, what choice do you have but to hold? I mean, you've suffered this far already, no use giving up now! Just hope the next available representative has finished chewing his doughnut before he/she picks up the phone so they can either A) deny knowing anything about you
and your problem or B) re-route you to someone in another department so you can go through the whole rigamarole all over again. 

"Is there anything else we can assist you with?" means "Just shut up and get off the phone already, but we have to ask this because it's in our script and we have to pretend we love our jobs, you the customers who call and complain all day, and God and America and truth and justice for all--even though we still have no idea who you are and how to fix your stupid lame-ass problem. Besides, we don't know any more than you do: we are looking up the answers in our specially prepared manuals on how to sound like we give a damn, all while you wait."

"Have a nice day." Hah! Hahahaha! Yeah right. Whatever. 

OK, that's enough gripes for one day. I sincerely hope you have been considerably uplifted and inspired by my rantings. It has been my pleasure to share with you the angst with which I face life in America: Land of the Free, Home of the Brave... and Domain of the Clueless.