Eye On CameraWare -- community

Dear Public Diary:
September 11, 2002
Today was a difficult day for me, as I know it was for everyone as well. I felt bad though, because as I sat at my computer and turned on the television, I was inundated on every channel with remembrances of last year’s tragic events on this very day.
I changed the channel until I found something unrelated to that day. I wasn’t pleased with myself, being so emotional as not to be able to celebrate the heroic men and women who gave of themselves on that day, to not see the tremendous outreach and support of all those who showed up at Ground Zero, to praise the memories of those innocent victims of such an atrocity, to see the overwhelming support of those who loved them, to see the continued pride in America, the speeches of determined fight against terrorism. I was saddened about my own inability to put my emotions aside to watch such a heartwarming, unforgotten, supportive memorial.
I don't know what that makes me as a person to put my own emotions first. Self centered? Scared? Unable to deal with the reality? I don't know. But, regardless of the fact that I could not bring myself to get so close to such remembrance, I did not have a second go by today that I did not recall in my own mind certain memories:
The speeches so gallantly put forth by President Bush last year.
The faces of the men and women who spent countless hours in the dust and debris.
The families’ faces grieving for those left behind on various programs throughout this year: their strengths, their love and remembrance of those who were taken so tragically from them.
The world support last year as well as the continued support throughout the year and promises of world leaders to stand and fight hard against terrorism and those who side with it.
Regardless, I still carried a thorn of shame that I was not strong enough to watch the services today.
I tried a few times.... but the tears welled up in my eyes and my heart and I changed the channel.
I just wanted to hold on to the memories I already have. They are crisp and fresh and ingrained in my mind: untouched.
Or perhaps the reality of the entire event last year is just so hard to accept. I am still shocked when I recall that day's events. I can still recall the feeling of shock, the place I was at the time, the feelings inside. It was horrible. It is horrible.
The days that followed, though, were filled with such strength, courage and pride that that is what I choose to recall. If I should feel shame for this, then so be it.
I am who I am and I am only human after all. One of many humans who never imagined in their wildest nightmares that something so absolutely, terrifyingly atrocious would ever occur, especially in a hemisphere comprised of civilized, freedom-fighting, human rights-loving democracy.
So, here I am, writing out my day’s emotions in a diary and hoping that it makes sense, hoping to never feel this way again by any event.
My heart goes out to those who lost loved ones surrounding this day last year. I could not imagine their pain, grieving and all they have gone through, which makes my emotions seem trivial and self-centered.
Well, diary, I should go now.
Until next time...
May peace regain its rightful place in the world.